Competitive Flatulence in the Olympics

Special Editorial from Garth Wyndham-Price

I have heard from the centre of "As Above so Below" that there is a movement to include competitive flatulence in the Olympics. It is my understanding that Fred Rancid is the main colour bearer of this movement. It is understandable that the United States would look for another sport in which they could prevail.

Most in the free world will not dispute that the 1972 U.S. Olympic basketball team received the green weenie in the Gold medal match. However, Mr. Rancid and the USOC, especially should tread carefully when they think they can dominate the world Farting Competition. Witness only the Eastern bloc Europeans whose sole diet is sauerkraut and blood sausage of Pygmy donkeys. Flatulence in these countries is not an interesting pastime, but a biological need of survival. Gats man, have you ever tried to pass a pygmy donkey hove.

Likewise, it is my perception that Mr. Rancid has forgotten his friends to the south. Oh yes, there are the Mexicans who mainly live on rice and beans, but that is Holy Water compared to the Haitians whose main diet is lava rocks and beaks of sacrificed voodoo chickens. Let us not forget the Jamaicans, their diet is quite healthful, but their consumption of ganja and magic mushrooms allows them to mystically expel the pent up frustrations of their ancestors.

I am an Anglophile, I believe our Scottish friends could compete. Lord knows the Irish would blow the perfect storm just to piss in the Queens face, but do we-- the UK and the US have the talent to overcome those that are forced, by their natural surroundings, have the ability to overcome that with our training and nutritional supplementation. I think not.